Part Two of a Four Part Series
Shining a light on the instinctive emotions.
When a feeling of separation lodges in a child, three primal emotions can be evoked; frustration, alarm and pursuit. In small children who only feel one emotion at a time, these emotions may be seen in cycle or displaced to another time and space.
For example the after school meltdowns of frustration follow the holding in of so much over the school day. The foul frustration of aggressive outbursts. The futility that just can’t be accepted. Our anticipation, even invitation of frustration helps provide safe eruptions and/or healthy outlets for this instinctive emotion to move.
Alarm can be seen in caution, fear, anxiety, obsessions, phobias and more. The great and existential alarms and fears a child carries are most often displaced and expressed over what appears to be small things.
Pursuit is the altering or editing of the self in order to fit into an attachment, such as pleasing others or being good. Pursuit can also look like the longing after something, the clingy and neediness, the pursuing of your presence and plenty more.
Alpha child
There currently appears huge numbers of children stuck in what Neufeld terms the ‘alpha’ defence. They are orchestrating, bossy, demanding and not taking our lead. Their hard defence is masking an infact vulnerable child.
Children can not rest when any of the three primary emotions are stirred up. A restless child may be working at attachment and therefore can not really sink into feeling taken care of, and will naturally direct and instruct their care.
How do we meet these instinctive emotions in our children?
It is in this meeting that we might convey regard and belief in them, we might come alongside their struggle and take the lead with a soft heart. Perhaps we discern when to invite full expression, when to play our way out and when even to avert the incident all together.
Wow, this is not easy as our own reactivity gets in the way, or we revert to the parenting voices of our predecessors. When we move through guilt or any resistance in the way of really meeting our child with acceptance and compassion, the space opens for a shift in our holding of them.
Developmental child psychology holds a child with the warmth from knowing her journey, the delight at inviting her whole being now and the faith in her future self.
Two further areas are now key to speak to:
Thank you very much for your interest and I would be delighted to further support you and your child or children. I am trained in Developmental Attachment Psychology from the Neufeld Institute, Coaching, Natural Food and Life Counselling and more and founder of Wholefood Harmony.
I work with parents and educators in a gentle, personalised way, to enable you to connect with the essence of your situation and move towards possibilities and potential. I also offer guidance around applying the child raising compass to you and your family or community. Please get in touch to arrange a free first conversation or read more about my Parent Coaching here.